Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years and have a boyfriend who resides a distance from me. He claims to love me but doesn’t call me on the phone. I am the one who is always calling him. Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more.
My worry is, whether he loves me as he claims. It is so confusing for me because he doesn’t show it. How can love exist where there is no communication? If I don’t call, he won’t bother. It appears as if he completely forgets about my existence if I don’t make the effort. I have kept calling him because he means so much to me. It hurts so much. My friends who are in the know think I am being stupid and foolishly in love. Do please tell me what to do.
Mary.
Dear Mary,
The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues. He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make. The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability. You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now. However it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication; it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death. But beyond that; this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude and, the message this is communicating to you. By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving these initial problems. You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you coming across as being desperate. You have shown him you care, love him but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls maybe making him wary of taking it further for fear of you dominating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with. Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you. It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are.
Good luck.