By Mmedaramfon Umoren
Reporter
There is a rising incidence of married couples, including Christians, abusing their partners. The media has been awash with stories of spousal violence in the past couple of months.
Lekan Shonde, a resident of Egbeda in Lagos, allegedly killed, Ronke, his wife of eight years, over adultery.
Jafaru Sougie, who lives in Oshodi, Lagos allegedly killed Roseline, his wife of 26 years, over adultery.
Yewande Adeniran, a legal practitioner in Ibadan, allegedly stabbed her husband, Oyelowo, to death in February for planning to go and see his son in Europe, born to him by another woman.
Most of these couples are church goers and their pastors and church members claim to know them as regular worshippers – leading to the question of what is responsible for the rise of spousal abuse, even among Christians.
Cuts across gender, class
Some years back, the story was told of a head usher of a church who, while driving to church with his wife on a Sunday morning, would use his right hand to push her while holding the steering wheel with his left hand.
He would arrive church, put on his church face, and take his position right in front of the building.
Abuse has no gender or class.
Women are usually at the receiving end of spousal abuse.
Recently, however, there were reports about a man who has endured beating from his wife for many years but would not admit it publicly because he is too embarrassed and also because he wants to make heaven.
He reportedly looks a shadow of himself and feels so alone. He believes he is the only man being beaten by his wife in the whole world and feels robbed of his manhood.
Blame game
Some blame the two people in the marriage. Others blame pastors for dwelling on prosperity and abdicating their responsibility to preach Biblical sound doctrine and stress the importance of a true Christian family.
Many victims of spousal abuse often see the signs of violence, which gradually worsen, but stay on with the hope that the abuser would change.
Comfort Patrick, who lives in Lagos, told TheNiche the story of her Christian friend who is married to a Christian who abuses her but she does not want to seek help.
“She got pregnant and they got married but he has been sleeping around and does not spend time with her.
“He provides her needs financially but doesn’t pay attention to her. She can’t even speak with her family about it because they had advised her to keep her marital life to herself,” Patrick recounted.
Causes of abuse
Among the causes of abuse are a lack of forgiveness and understanding, adultery, immaturity, anger, intolerance, jealousy, insecurity, no respect for each other, and emotional imbalance to handle a partner’s excesses.
Who is to blame?
Tinu Agbabiaka, a relationship expert, believes almost everybody is guilty one way or another.
“The victim, neighbour, family or friend strongly suspects something is amiss but does nothing until it’s too late,” she said.
A consultant psychiatrist, Pat Chiegboka, said the signs are usually there, as verbal abuse precedes physical ones, and verbal abuse can ‘kill’ the spirit.
According to her, this culminates in depression and makes one lose oneself, leading to battery.
She said many couples are going through ordeal in silence, be it physical, emotional, verbal, or even sexual.
“In these cases,” Chiegboka added, “they’ll rather keep mum for fear of being termed failures or stop confiding in friends and family who advise them to leave their abusive partners, or for countless other reasons.”
Church’s failure to preach sound doctrine
Paul Bambe, a pastor in the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG) Gombe Province, said husbands and wives experience abuse but it is more rampant among wives.
“The wives refuse to open up about their situations even when asked questions because they feel it is a bad image for their households,” he explained.
Chima Ephraim, a pastor in Greater Power Worldwide Ministries, blamed the modern church for failing to teach congregants genuine and complete message of the Bible.
His words: “The church is to blame because churches nowadays do not teach quality messages which will uphold the faith of people. Pastors have made themselves exclusive such that their members find it difficult to have access to them.”
He also faulted congregants who do not heed counsel.
“Individuals are also to blame because even when they have access to their pastors, some of them do not take advantage of the counsel given, because they assume the pastor has no idea what they’re going through and can’t give them advice.”
Bambe lamented that the church does not teach people the undiluted Word of God which would transform their lives, as most messages are on material prosperity.
“I’m not saying that prosperity messages are not good, but if one is truly born again material things shouldn’t be of primary concern.
“Also, churches are not as organised as they used to be, especially when it comes to marriages. They do not spend time on marital studies, counselling and tests. They are lacking in their role in families to a great extent.”
Society, individuals
He equally blamed the society and parents for paying less attention to bringing up their children in the way of the Lord.
“Society, especially families, do not mould children by teaching them positive values.
“Parents don’t even have the time to inculcate such values in their children and when they grow up and should be responsible in their homes, they’re unable to withstand the storms they face.
“Individuals involved are also to blame because rather than depend on God’s Word, they rely on their knowledge and understanding.
“Just as the Bible says, my people perish for lack of knowledge (Proverbs 29:18). That text does not refer to individuals but Christians. It’s only through God’s direction that anyone can understand how to deal with his or her spouse.”
Courtship is for studying each other
Couples usually go through courtship before marriage.
Ephraim warned that the period of courtship, which could last for months or years, should be taken seriously as a time to study compatibility with the partner; and not a time for premarital sex, which is sin (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)
Said he: “Courtship should be taken very seriously.When an individual sees something unusual in his partner’s character, they should not manage it, but take it as a sign to get out of such an engagement.
“Courtship can be broken, but not the marriage itself. Scrutinise who you’re getting married to, don’t sympathise with such a person and marry him.”
Hear from God directly
Ephraim urged individuals to “improve on their relationship with God because trusting pastors and other people to communicate God’s mind is not ideal. God should be able to relate with you such that you know Him for yourself.
“Prayer is not even enough to solve spousal abuse because not everything is spiritual.
Some things are medical, others psychological; some are environmental influences and cannot all be handled with prayer alone.
“Action must be taken such as counselling, sometimes changing the kind of people one interacts closely with; and most of all, having a connection with God.”
Bambe clarified that prayer should not be ruled out; instead, it should be the first line of action.
“First you must pray because there is nothing prayer cannot do. Also, meet genuine men of God who can handle such situations in a mature way for counseling. Perhaps involve the larger family of the abuser.
“We have had cases of spousal abuse, and they have become common. But if the spouse can come out to confess what is happening in her home early and keep praying, there is nothing prayer can’t solve.
“A woman who is always on her knees to pray will receive solution. When the husband knows that everyone is aware of his shortcomings, he will take correction and be reasonable.
Bambe said each case should be handled based on its peculiarity.
“No matter how tough a person is, there is someone out there whom he respects and listens to, even when cautioned.
“There are various cases with various solutions and one must approach them with wisdom.
“A woman came to me complaining of an abusive husband and I asked her to pray. When it persisted, I told her to go to his office and expose him to his boss. I knew he wouldn’t like his boss to know what was going on in his household.
“She did so and the boss cautioned him to repent otherwise he won’t have a good recommendation and his promotion would be affected.”
Temporary separation, not divorce
Joseph Oni, another pastor in the RCCG, warned that an abused wife is only permitted to leave her husband’s house temporarily, not by divorce, until the issue is resolved.
“There is no condition that would make the church support divorce except on grounds of infidelity. It is not easy for them to stay alone, which is why there’s room for forgiveness,” he counselled.
Biblical principles of fulfilment in marriage
There are rules of engagement in our relationship with God. Also, there are rules of engagement in any human relationship – Christian fellowship, business, school, work place, friendship, marriage, et cetera.
The ground rules made by God for fulfilment in marriage include the following
♦ The man, the husband
He is to love his wife
• “Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28 NKJV).
• “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself” (Ephesians 5:33 NKJV).
He is the head
• “The head of the woman is the man” (1 Corinthians 11:3 KJV).
• “The husband is the head of the wife” (Ephesians 5:23 KJV).
He rules
• The husband “shall rule over” the wife (Genesis 3:16 NKJV).
He is to show wisdom and understanding, and to honour his wife
• The husband is to “dwell with [the wife] with understanding,” and to “[give] honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7 NKJV).
He is to protect and provide for his wife and children
• “If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8 NKJV).
♦The woman, the wife
She is to love her husband
• A woman is “to be sober” and “to love” her husband (Titus 2:4 KJV).
She is to be passionate about the husband
• “Your desire shall be for your husband” (Genesis 3:16 NKJV).
Should be submissive
• “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18 NKJV).
Should respect the husband
• “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33 NKJV).
She should be economically productive
• The wife, “a virtuous woman”, is to be economically productive to supplement the family income (Proverbs 31:10-31 KJ2000).
Each partner in marriage has to make a deliberate effort to follow the Biblical principles. If one or both partners fail to obey the rules, the marriage will run into stormy waters and there can be no true, Godly fulfilment in it.
Leader, but not superior
The leadership role the man plays over the woman does not mean that he is superior to her. In salvation, both men and women are one in the same Spirit and equal before God.
• “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28 NKJV).
• “For through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father” (Ephesians 2:18 NKJV).
• “There is one body and one Spirit” (Ephesians 4:4 NKJV).
• “He who plants and he who waters are one, and each one will receive his own reward according to his own labor” (1 Corinthians 3:8 NKJV).
The demarcation of male and female roles in some (not in all) areas of life is to ensure order on earth.
“For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints” and His perfect will is that “all things be done decently and in order” (1 Corinthians 14:33, 40 KJV).
A woman’s position of power
The leadership role of a man does not mean that he will receive greater reward in heaven than a woman.
Jesus Christ says, “Behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to every one according to his work” (Revelation 22:12 NKJV).
The greatest reward in heaven comes from the humility (Matthew 18:4), service (Matthew 23:11), and love (Romans 13:10; 1 Corinthians 13:13) demonstrated in whatever position God puts us on earth.
A man who is saved but does not fully obey the Holy Spirit in some areas will be among the “least in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:19 NKJV); but a woman who is saved and fully obeys the Holy Spirit in all areas will be among “the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4 NKJV).
If a born again man and a born again woman fully obey the Holy Spirit in all areas both of them will be among “the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4 NKJV).
In God’s arrangement on earth, a woman may hone her spiritual gifts better and faster, and be more spiritually mature than a man, but she still cannot lead or dictate to the man. God places the man in authority over the woman.
• “The head of the woman is the man” (1 Corinthians 11:3 KJV).
God places the woman to influence the man to use his authority for good.
A woman with Godly wisdom exercises authority and power subtly through her influence over the man. She can make a man to do what he did not plan to do originally (1 Peter 3:1-2).
This way, the exercise of authority and power is equal between man and woman. Sometimes, the woman is even more powerful than the man. Just that she cannot exercise authority directly over the man.
Fruit of the Holy Spirit in marriage
Without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, it is impossible for marriage partners to attain the best for God and for each other.
Therefore, no one can possess the ingredients for a truly fulfilling marriage, the way the Lord defines it, unless he or she is
• Born again – saved from sin by the Blood of Jesus Christ (John 3:3, 16; 1 John 1:7).
• Sanctified – made holy, with the inbred sin nature uprooted, without desire to commit new sin (John 17:8-9, 14-19).
• Baptised with the Holy Spirit – filled with or full of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:4; Luke 1:15; 4:1).
Only the Holy Spirit, Who lives in born again Christians (1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:19), can produce in us “the fruit of the Spirit [which] is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23 NKJV).
Only the Holy Spirit can produce in us “tender mercies … humility, meekness” (Colossians 3:12), “virtue … patience … and … godliness” (2 Peter 1:5-7 KJV).
A man or woman needs all of these and other gifts and graces of the Holy Spirit to live in divine peace and joy with the spouse and to have God’s own definition of a spiritually fulfilling and successful marriage.