By Tina Kanu
Every marriage has periods of peace and conflict.
Conflict is bound to exist because marriage is the coming together of two imperfect people from different backgrounds and training.
They see things differently so conflict will always arise.
When a man and a woman from different homes, with different upbringing, experience, emotional uniqueness – and with some level of independence and self-centeredness – come to live as husband and wife, trying to meet up with the same goal, they will not agree on everything.
No matter how mature and loyal the couple are to each other, so long as the two are different people with different personalities, conflict is inevitable.
Misunderstanding and disagreement will occur but they are all part of growing together.
Disagreement and conflict help develop the marriage into a stronger and successful relationship. They help in bonding if used rightly.
But conflict can also destroy marriage if wrongly approached.
Most spouses share their differences with each another through conflict, discover communication gaps as well as personal weaknesses and strengths, and learn from them.
Each time we resolve our differences in a Godly manner, the growth we experience is incredible. Conflict is part of every marriage but we must be determined to make it a strengthening agent and not a destructive one.
The question should now be how to respond to marital conflict because your response during this period is very important.
Conflict comes in different shapes and sizes. It could be about money, childlessness, infidelity, a lack of communication, or anger, et cetera.
All these challenges and more are common to most marriages.
As a Christian, learn to overlook your spouse’s weakness and focus on his/her strength and potential. Marriage requires hard work and commitment. Let us get rid of negative thoughts and feelings and see more of the good in each another.
Some marriages survive conflict and others do not. Those happy couples have an understanding that marriage is a lifetime commitment and choose to make the best of it.
God Who instituted marriage is a wonderful God and He knows all your struggles in marriage and will give you the grace to love your spouse unconditionally.
Most people do not prepare well for changes in marriage once they have a picture of a perfect marriage, so when changes happen they lead to conflicts. These become a threat to the marriage.
When any problem arises in marriage, identify the cause and tackle it and not your spouse.
Do not be over critical or too judgmental. Never approach your spouse on an issue when you are angry. Accept responsibility for your mistakes.
No marriage is perfect and we come together in marriage to build each other up.
No matter the condition of your marriage, you need to build it up, at least for companionship. Marriage can grow much deeper if we will choose to experience companionship in a loving way.
Your resource for building a lasting marriage is God because building a lasting marriage involves prayer.
Our job as Christians is to prayerfully seek God’s wisdom for building our marriage. He alone knows our spouse better than us. If we ask God for help, He will help us develop new ways of building lasting harmony in our marital life.
Whatever your marriage is going through don’t allow the situation define your marriage; rather remain positive and look at things with a brighter outlook.
Use your attitude to colour and influence your situation. See the world with hope. Life circumstances are not always easy, so it is with marriage.
But the choice is yours to live positively through the storm in your marriage or allow the storm with your negative attitude to sweep away your marriage.
Though conflicts are normal and the tension and pressure that come with it are sometimes difficult to handle, determine to work through it to a peaceable end.
Some conflicts in marriage can be dealt with as soon as they arise while some may need to be talked about later.
It is always good to allow some cooling off period for heated emotion to subside but do not leave a matter too long for resentment to build up again.
Ephesians 4:26 says you should not allow the sun to go down upon your wrath. This means be willing and ready to resolve marital conflicts before bedtime same day.
Someone may ask: what if it was my spouse who started it all? It does not really matter who started it.
It is expected that the man as the leader in the marriage should take the initiative in resolving conflicts even when it is the woman’s fault.
As a man your feelings may have also been deeply hurt by your wife’s attitude or action, but allow the Biblical instruction in Ephesians 5:25 to guide you.
The passage instructs that a man should love his wife as Christ loved the Church.
Find a way to start a discussion with your wife in a loving way not in an abusive manner.
When dealing with a conflict, look for a time and place suitable for both of you; and you as the initiator must be willing to sacrifice some personal pleasure in the interest of resolving the conflict.
Guide against interruption. If you have children let them know that you are discussing something important and they should not disturb.
Don’t hide your problem from your children, let them know that sometimes you disagree and that when there is disagreement, steps should be taken to resolve them as soon as possible.
If you can establish a healthy way of resolving conflicts in your marriage it will enable your children learn to disagree in a healthy way and this can contribute to peace and harmony in your home.
In my dealings with couples I found that it is not always easy to admit that you are wrong. In fact, it takes a great deal of humility to accept your fault during conflict.
Some say the hardest word for them to tell their spouse is to say sorry but I tell them the only reason they find it difficult to say sorry is pride.
We must not be self-centered in doing something of spiritual benefit to us. See pride for what it is and firmly renounce it in the Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ.
When you honestly accept your fault and make amends where necessary, it deepens your relationship with your spouse in a pleasant way.
When you establish the cause of a conflict in your marriage, work out a solution acceptable to both of you. Do it in a spirit of love and unity.
Solution to a problem requires changes in the behaviour of both partners, so be prepared to let go of behaviour causing conflict in your home.
Concentrate on your own behaviour and allow your spouse work on his/hers.
Resolving conflict is not about winning or losing; it is about finding a creative solution that brings satisfaction to both of you.
Inviting God to your marriage in prayer, and your genuine effort to make your marriage work, will make it a life of bliss rather than a battle ground.