Dear Agatha,
I got married in October last year to a man whose view of sex is completely different from what I was taught by my mother. This may sound strange in our modern world, but my mother told me it isn’t right for a woman to ask for sex at all.
Since I married my husband, I’ve always waited for him to make the first move. If he doesn’t, I would never ask, even when I desired it. For about eight weeks now, he hasn’t come near me. I know he loves sex, the reason I got worried enough to ask his best friend who is also close to me if his friend was having an affair.
It was through him I got to know what my husband’s grouse with me was; he said he would never ask me to have sex with him because of my attitude to it. According to this friend, my husband complained to him that even when I’m in the mood, I always wait for him to make the first move, an attitude he is getting tired of. He said staying off me was to force me to demand his presence. The truth is, I don’t know how to, because my mother told me that only morally-bankrupt women demand sex from their husbands.
It is difficult for me to change, but I also don’t want to lose my home. What do I do, as I would feel cheap asking my husband to have sex with me?
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
It is your right to ask for sex from your husband any time you are in the mood for it.
There is nothing cheap about a wife demanding her rights from her husband. If you don’t ask it of him, who will you go and demand it from; another woman’s husband? You are only short-changing yourself because customs and religion expect you to remain faithful to your husband through thick and thin.
While your husband can go outside his marriage to release tension, you cannot because of the moral repercussion that follows a woman who engages in the act of immorality.
If your mother’s advice worked for her, don’t expect it to work for you because your father and your husband are two different individuals. There is no way your husband can ever accept the conditions under which your mother fared with your father.
Besides, you also have your life to live. It is unfair for your mother to think that you would escape with what she got away with in her marriage.
In addition, times are changing. While men of your mother’s era regarded women who demanded sex from their husbands as morally improper, today’s men have come to realise that a woman feels the same things they feel and that today’s women are not so frightened as women of yesteryears were, in expressing their desires.
So you see, you and your mother are living in very different worlds. To expect your husband to act as if he is the only one always on heat isn’t doing your marriage any justice. He may not be complaining, but your attitude robs him of the pleasure of having his wife also crave for him.
Just like a woman desires her husband to show her love and attention; the average man also desires the attention of his woman too. He wants her to make him feel wanted, special and loved too. Though men don’t express what they want like women do, it doesn’t mean they are not desirous of every attention their wives can shower on them.
By refusing to make your demands of his attention, you are unwittingly telling him that you can live without him and that his attention on you isn’t something you like.
Although this isn’t your intention, at least going by what you wrote; but there is no way he would know how you feel if you continue to pretend that you don’t care if he sleeps with you or not.
One of the reasons a man and woman get married is to have sex as often as desired. It is God’s way of sanitising the society of moral issues that come with having indiscriminate sex. Unlike what your mother thinks, sex isn’t just a tool for procreation purpose alone; it is also meant to create relaxation and a special bond between couples.
It is a natural stress-reliever which helps to induce quality sleep after a hard day’s job. There is no limiting the value of sex in a marriage. It can be used by either party as a tool of apology, healing and mending broken hems in a marriage. It is also a good tool of communication that enables the couple tell each other certain things words cannot describe.
So, in denying your husband the knowledge of how you feel, you create not just doubts in his mind, but leave him very confused about your interest in him as well as his ability to stimulate the right response from you.
You are lucky he isn’t in an affair; only giving you the chance to clear the confusion he has in his heart about your love and need of him.
You are also fortunate he told his friend who in turn has given you what can best be described as an ‘expo’ on what to do to bring your husband back into your bed.
Honestly, this isn’t time for you to debate or struggle with yourself on whether your mother is right or wrong about what she told you.
If she didn’t want a man sleeping with you, she shouldn’t have agreed to you getting married.
Sex is one of the pillars that hold a marriage together; a vital one at that.
If you are shy to say it directly to your husband, go the way of most women by acting it. There are several ways a woman can communicate her need for sex to her man without saying it. This is the secret strength of women. When a woman wants a man, there are several postures she can adopt to make her message clear.
One way is to dress it. Go for a nightgown cut to seduce even the most principled man. Besides, your man doesn’t need to be convinced; all he wants is for you to give the sign and he is by your side.
Go for mood music to relax him and make him all anxious to complete whatever you have started. Finally go for a perfume that would stimulate his mind to full action; the kind that would enhance your natural body scent. Finally sit carelessly in front of him and pretend your mind is too engaged in whatever task you are doing to make you remember to sit appropriately. If other women outside use this to entice married men into their web, there is nothing stopping married women from using it to get their men to notice them. This isn’t just any man; he is your husband, one that has been given full authority by the law to view your most essentials. By giving him a full view of his most precious asset, there would be nothing preventing him from taking it.
Sex and desires require a lot imagination to make them come alive.
Any woman or man who sits on the fence and expects to get the best out of it is only deceiving self. You cannot pretend not to mind when, deep inside, you want all the things that make you complete as a woman.
It is also important you explain your actions to your husband after you had captured him back into your arms. Let him know why you had been acting that way. It will help clear whatever doubts or worry your actions generated in his mind.
Just as it takes two to fall in love; it takes two to make every aspect of marriage work. Your marriage is what you make of it, especially as a woman.
Good luck!