Marriages in the Christian community are failing at an alarming rate. Observers say this is both shocking and disturbing because it means that Christians are not walking in the fullness of God’s plan. TEMITOPE OJO examines secrecy, which is one of the factors many finger as a cause.
Expectedly, Joke, as she is fondly called, is in high spirit. Preparations are in top gear and everything seems ready for the day most women wish for.
However, one thing keeps bugging the mind of Joke. Till now, she is yet to inform her fiance about the true identity of Bolu, whom she had as a teenager, while waiting to gain admission into the university. Now a teenager, even Bolu does not know Joke as her biological mother as she grew up to call her “aunty”.
It is not uncommon to see couples not behaving as one flesh by hiding things from each other, especially sensitive issues that have to do with money, past relationships, mistakes, abortions and the likes. Not even the fact that the Bible and marriage counsellors enjoin couples to lay all bare, so they can cleave to each other and become one has helped.
More often, spouses have been accused of hiding things from each other. Joke says the reason she does not want to tell her fiance about her lovechild is to retain his faith in her. According to her, she would have been married before now, but all three relationships she had before ended as soon as her partner got to know about the child.
Joke’s friends have not helped her either. Some have constantly told her that at her age, only fools tell their husbands everything!
Also, respondents differ on whether or not Joke should bare it all, hinging it on reasons they feel justifies their position.
“You can tell about past relationships or kids, but I wouldn’t tell of past abortions. If he asks, then I can tell him. Not telling would be lying,” said one of her friends.
Vivian, a mother of three, says: “How can I tell my husband everything? Maybe if it is that I have a child before I got married, I may have told my husband before we got married, but I do not tell him everything, especially about my assets. What do you think will become of me tomorrow when he is no more and his people decide to take over his properties, including mine?” she asked.
Rachael Amos says: “A woman should be ready to tell her proposed husband everything at some stage in their relationship, because both of them are expected to become one. The day they get married is the day both of them become one, as stated in the Bible that two of them shall become one.
“If a wife truly loves the husband, then she should be able to open up to her husband, including her dirty past, which she cannot tell others. It is better she tells him than for him to hear it from outside, because when he learns about her past from outside, trust me, she will forever lose his trust.”
Some people would rather be selective with what they reveal. They would rather not tell their men about the abortions they had committed, the several men they had slept with, including his best friend or brother, etc; he might regard and treat them as worthless.
“No! I repeat, No! No! No! I’m not saying keep secrets, just saying be reserved. Put a sentry at the door of your lips.
“There should be no secrets between you and your husband, but there are certain things you need to figure out on your own. Like if his sister or her mother annoys you. Those are things you keep to yourself until it goes overboard. Be very open with him to avoid tension,” says a respondent.
But what does the Bible say about this issue?
“Couples are to run a transparent relationship, which is very healthy for their bonding and spiritual growth,” said Pastor Moses Olufemi. “If a person has a child before and he or she does not inform his/her spouse, it is dangerous. If and when the spouse gets to know, trust would be broken and that marriage may cease to be, except by divine intervention.”
The cleric stated that it is important, so that the spouse can be prepared for the challenges that may arise from what may have happened in the past.
However, Olufemi stated that not every spouse is matured enough to manage revelations. It takes maturity, wisdom and prayers, adding that there must be a level of trust.
This view was also corroborated by Rev. (Mrs.) Seun Alawode of Maranatha Chapel, Ibadan, who stated that if the two are going to become one as commanded by the Bible, they must truly “be naked and not be ashamed”.
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Gen 2:25).
“Couples should run a transparent and open communication line with their spouses. Some women buy lands, even go to the extent of building houses, without their husbands’ knowledge.
“I have heard of a case of a sister who has completed a building here in Lagos, without the husband having any clue. To me, this is very bad and should not be encouraged.
“Though, some women keep things away from their husbands because of the fear of the future, peradventure their partner dies and his family members come to claim his properties, then they can fall back on their hidden assets,” she said.
Quoting from Matthew 19:5, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh”, Prophet Tunji Solaja of Celestial Church of Christ (CCC), Isokan Ifemimo Sowapo Parish, Bariga, Lagos, said except couples obey this simple instruction of “leaving and cleaving”, they cannot become one. A truly “born again” Christian wants to please Jesus!
Said he: “If the foundation of a marriage is based on falsehood, then the marriage is faulty. A person that is not willing to lay everything bare before being joined to another is not leaving to cleave. What it simply means is that she will continue to look for other lies to cover up the single lie of not opening up to her fiance from the beginning. This is not right.”
While stating that if a spouse goes ahead to wed anyone without telling everything, it would amount to a sin, he urged couples to abide by the injunction in Deuteronomy 11:21-22, “so that your days and the days of your sons may be multiplied on the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, as long as the heavens remain above the earth. For if you are careful to keep all this commandment which I am commanding you to do, to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and hold fast to Him, for if you shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command.”