Dear Agatha
For some inexplicable reasons, my mother has decided to make my life very miserable.
I have been in this relationship for five years and this happens to be my last year in school. Before now, my mother had always pressured me to get married as soon as possible.
However, her song changed when she met my fiancé. I have been through a lot with this guy.
He is not rich but comfortable enough to take care of me and the family we plan to have. He also doesn’t have a permanent job but is occupied through the contracts he gets from time to time.
But my mother is insisting I marry a rich man hence has refused to be involved in anything that has to do with us.
My fiancé is also under pressure from his family and have even told him to find someone else since it appears I’m not ready to settle down now.
I’m seriously confused as I love him very much and don’t want to lose him at all but how can I plan a wedding without the support of my family?
Yetty.
Dear Yetty
First and foremost, understand these basic facts; a marriage is between two people and not between one person and a multitude. Also, the issue here involves your entire life.
Importantly, there is a huge difference between wedding and marriage. Whereas, the wedding ceremony involves the multitude, marriage is just the two of you.
Therefore, for a marriage to work there must be understanding, appreciation, love, friendship, loyalty between the two people that have decided to become one.
Money is not what makes a marriage succeed; it is the determination engineered by love and friendship that makes marriage a success.
Ultimately, it is the quality of your feelings for the person you want to spend your life with that would determine the extent of sacrifices and selflessness you are willing to invest in the marriage.
If money were all that is required to make a marriage work, the super-rich would not know what divorce is all about.
The fact that we have more break-ups among the rich and famous than between average people underscores love, and not money, as the major ingredient a good marriage requires to endure.
Much as the approval and concerns of your mother are important, you are the one whose life is on the line here.
Take it from me, a bad marriage can completely affect one’s life negatively if not properly handled.
The success we record as adults depends to a large extent on how happy we are in our marriages. The moment one starts having issues in a marriage, it becomes almost impossible for the person to give his or her best to work.
Some people with weak shock absorbers either develop terminal illnesses or die from the effects of their thinking of their marital challenges. The crowd can push you one way but will they be there to help you shoulder the emotional aches and regrets?
Your mother has lived her life. The fact that you are not from a rich family means, she (your mother) settled for love and not money. To demand you sacrifice your life for money is not right.
If you agree to her suggestions, you would be starting again with a complete stranger; one you would be marrying solely to please your mother whose craving is premised on money and not your happiness.
As long as her reasons for opposing your boyfriend are because he lacks the financial base to make her happy, go ahead and follow your heart. But be sure, you and your husband-to-be have what it takes to withstand the storm that comes with every marriage.
Anyone who tells you that marriage is one simple journey is lying. It is an intricate and nerve shattering journey.
Some days are absolutely wonderful, the fulfillment of all one’s fantasies; while on other days, you will come close to cursing the day you said yes to each other.
The road is never smooth but is made smooth by that deep conviction that, come rain or sunshine, this is your better half.
Marriage is a journey of the body, spirit and the soul. It is living in the body of your partner always; or else the walls of security that marriage bestows on the couple will fall completely.
Rather than dwell too much on what your mother thinks of your fiancé’s financial position now, concentrate on the ingredients that would make your planned marriage work.
Step outside your comfort zone to look at him once again as dispassionately as you can.
• Is he the kind of man that would always support you to achieve your dreams?
• The kind, no matter the situation, you will always be happy with?
• Do you see yourself growing old with him?
• To what extent are you willing to make sacrifices for him?
• Is he sensitive to your needs?
• Is he the kind you can laugh with and at?
• What is that vital ingredient in this relationship that would continue to give you peace even when you are in the eyes of a very bad storm in your marriage?
These are more important issues than money. No amount of money can ever buy you peace or determination. Marriage does not work that way.
As long as you are certain that both of you are on the same page, plenty of money or no money, you will have a good marriage.
From the little you have said about your mother, she appears to be the one influencing your family but there will always be someone who can talk sense into her.
Look for that moderate and understanding voice in your family who can help you talk to your mother to let you be.
It is not as if the man is not engaged in a form of occupation. He may not have a steady job but since he appears to be investing what he makes from his contracts wisely, that should be sufficient for her.
Besides, your job as his wife-to-be is to help him further expand his scope of investment. As a matter of fact, his success later in life depends on your worth as a good wife and adviser.
If he is comfortable with the money he is making now, it follows that he has the credentials of hitting it big with the right support from you.
These are points that whosoever is going to mediate on your behalf should put across to your mother.
It is also significant your mother is asked if money is her only reason for objecting to your choice of a husband.
If at the end of the day, she has no worthwhile reasons for objecting to your choice, go to your dad and his family for support. Make it clear that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
If you do not learn to fight for your happiness at this nascent stage of your journey, you will never be able to wrestle your happiness from those who hold a contrary view to yours.
The danger of indecision is that you could lose him to another woman while you, on the other hand, may never be able to attract the attention of another man sufficiently to want to marry you.
The plain truth is that the number of men eager to marry is increasingly decreasing by the day. Most young men want children but not their mothers.
To have survived five years of courtship together means you both have something more than the average.
But before anything else, go to God in prayers for His support and direction. As long as you do not misinterpret God’s decisions for you, you will never have reasons to regret your decisions in life.
Good luck.