Dear Agatha,
In the last couple of weeks, I have been going through severe headache in my marriage, and it is already affecting my relationship with my husband, who thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
His mother came some few weeks back to help me with my first-born, but the visit is turning out to be a pain in the neck. She is very dirty in every sense of the word. I end up scrubbing the bathroom after she takes her bath, washing the toilet whenever she goes in there. All my pots and kitchen are black due to the way she uses the stove. I dare not entrust her to use of the gas cooker. She is also in the habit of using her cloth to dab the baby’s mouth.
I have tried correcting her on the proper use of these things, as well as how to keep them clean, but she keeps doing the very things I ask her not to do.
Because of this, I have stopped her from carrying my baby, since I cannot vouch for her personal hygiene. I have also refused her going into my kitchen to do anything because of the mess she is making of everything and the effort I put into cleaning the place again.
As a result, she told her son that she would want to return to the village, prompting him to ask if she isn’t happy staying with him. I guess she must have told him the situation because my husband came to ask me why I didn’t want his mother access to the baby. I tried to explain his mother’s dirty nature and how I fear she might infect the baby with avoidable germs. He didn’t take kindly to my remarks and actually accused me of being rude to his mother.
I had actually sent for my mother before this incident. When my mother came, he initially didn’t say anything, but began to raise dust when it looked like I had invited my mother to come and care for the baby and I.
This really infuriated him. He said not only did I not discuss my mother’s coming with him but stopped his mother from having anything to do with his child. When I reminded him that the baby is as much mine as well as his, he called me all sorts of unprintable names and told me to ask my mother to leave his house. He also said if I was a good wife, I should have tolerated his mother because it was her first time of leaving the village for the city.
Although I have threatened to go with my mother, the truth is I love my husband and don’t want a broken marriage.
Agatha, please tell me how to make amends because I’m no longer enjoying my home, especially as his mother insisted on going back to the village to care for her farm and goats. Since his mother left, he has also been keeping late nights and refusing to eat at home.
What can I do to remedy the situation in my home?
Bukky.
Dear Bukky,
The first thing is to find ways of getting your mother-in-law to come back and telling your mother to go back until the situation in your home improves. You didn’t act well. Being her first time in the city, you should have been more understanding that she wasn’t doing the things you complained of deliberately. If she had never taken her bath in the kind of bathroom you have or used a water closet (WC), how do you expect her to adjust without first making a mess of the place? All you needed to have done is to help her to adjust with a bit of patience.
Rather than tell your mother to come without informing your husband, you should have first raised the issue of his mother’s habits with him before telling your mother to come.
You acted without respect and consideration for your husband. You neglected to remember that this man in whose house you are in now, and with whom you have this child, grew up with that same woman. If she didn’t infect him with any kind of disease, what makes you think your child would be infected? Granted, you may not be comfortable with her hygiene, but you should have been more diplomatic in your reactions.
For instance, rather than allow her go into the kitchen, you could volunteer to be cooking the meals, giving the excuse that the gas, which she doesn’t know how to operate, is faster and that you too would like to care for her as her daughter. To make sure she doesn’t feel left out, you could invite her to teach you how to cook those special meals your husband grew up eating in the village.
On the issue of bathroom and its proper usage, it is a simple case of you inviting her to help you scrub your back or massage your body while you are taking your bath. Purposely, keep her in the bathroom with an interesting discussion until you finish. Pour water on the walls to rinse off the soap foams as well as the bathtub (if there is one), to show how to keep the place tidy after use. Clean the floor with a mop or rag. This way, you don’t have to tell her how to do it, but show her through your own example how such a bathroom is kept clean after a bath. Do this for about two or three days consistently before gently telling her how to clean up after her.
If she agrees to return, turn her visit into fun. Get to know more about the values and culture of your husband, his likes and dislikes.
Apologise to your husband and his mother. Let her know that you made a mistake by the way you acted and that you are more than ready to make her visit this time around memorable. Your husband is only reacting to the way you treated his mother. Once you make a U-turn, he would forgive you.
Whatever happens, learn to see your mother-in-law as an extension of the man you love. This way, it would be easier to deal with any disappointment you may encounter in her attitude.