Dear Agatha
I am in big trouble with a capital T. My marriage is just one month old and the problems already manifesting are more than I can handle on my own.
To add to my complications, I am six weeks pregnant, which means I cannot even abandon the marriage, at least not until the baby arrives.
My situation is made more complex because I cannot confide in my parents because from the very beginning they, especially my mother, didn’t hide her dislike for him. She told me he was too smooth to be true and that I should investigate him the more.
I thought my mother’s objections had to do with the fact that I met him about three months ago. Knowing that my mother’s idea of a good relationship is one that has lasted for over a year before talking about marriage, I ignored her anxieties and told her literally to mind her business.
This is why I cannot go to her with this problem. My elder brother whom I would have gone to is mummy’s son to the core. He would immediately call my mother to narrate everything to her and my father.
This is why I need your help as well as that of the public.
It actually started on the eve of our wedding when I chanced on my husband and his friends having a drug cocktail in the house. He said he didn’t want a big bachelor’s eve party; that he just wanted to stay with his very close circle of friends at home.
I forgot in his house the bag containing my shoes, purse and accessories for the wedding. I realised this very late, at about 8pm.
I tried calling him to bring it to my place but his phone wasn’t going through so I made a quick rush to the house to pick up the items. Since he and his friends were not expecting me, they were surprised when I came in and saw them doing their thing.
I knew nothing I said that night would make any impact on him since he was as high as his friends. I took my things and went out without saying a word. It was not until the next morning we spoke to each other.
Since he didn’t make any reference to what happened that night, I decided to ignore it so we could have the wedding. At least he didn’t take it the night of our wedding so I didn’t push it or mention it.
But I discovered that after a week, he would sneak into our guest room to take the drug after which he would be hyper active. Also, strange people would come home after which he would leave the house without telling me.
Before the incident of last week, I sneaked through his phone while he was having his bath to transfer to my phone some of his messages. I was shocked to my marrow with the things I read in his messages.
Not only is he a user of drugs but he is a major distributor as well. He is also into Yahoo scam. I saw a picture of him and this lady old enough to be his mum; whom he got married to in London.
He is supposed to be in Nigeria on a business trip and the woman is beginning to wonder why he hasn’t come back. The name he gave the woman is different from his real name. She believes he is from the North, while he is actually an Egba man.
Agatha, what will I tell people if he is caught and displayed on television as a drug baron? I haven’t dared to confront him because I’m not sure of what he is capable of doing to me.
With the kind of people that come and go from my house, he can easily erase me from the face of the earth. This is why I haven’t said anything to him.
Besides where will I say I got the picture of his wedding to that white woman from?
Please this is my dilemma. Do I keep quiet or cry out? Do I stay or quit? Time is of essence to me.
Omoduni.
Dear Omoduni
As his wife you have the responsibility to confront him with your suspicions first before providing him with the evidence of your findings.
There is no way you can gloss over the things you found out; to do that would be like stepping on a live wire.
The trick is not to be confrontational. At least he would not ask you how you found out about his drugs habit and business because you chanced on him and his friends on the eve of your wedding.
The fact that you saw him and his friends taking the drugs makes it easier for you to begin; you can then premise your discussion on that incident. There is no way he can deny the evidence you have of him taking drugs.
The only question he would likely ask is why you did not say something about that incident before now.
And it is the same query I have for you. Why did you not say anything on that day? Why did you keep quiet until now? Did it not occur to you that anything that has to do with drugs would contaminate the future you want with him?
The truth you did not realise at the time is this: You will never be happy in this marriage because of this deadly habit of his. Drug business may appear lucrative but it has this shadow of darkness that envelops it as well. The same thing goes for fraud.
He is duping that woman he married abroad of her hard earned money. By keeping quiet, you would also be helping him to further hurt that woman.
What you saw was too grave for you to ignore back then. No matter what time it was to your wedding day, the ideal thing would have been for you to challenge him with a view of ironing out the matter before your wedding appointment.
Honestly, keeping quiet about it gave him the impetus to continue to do drugs in the house and allow people of all sorts of shady character to come to his abode.
You did not do yourself or your coming baby any good by ignoring that incident. Imagine your baby growing up in a home where his father does drugs and is among the kind of people you described. What do you think would happen to such a child?
Marriage is a life-long business which must be protected against anything that would prematurely terminate its lifespan.
Besides, it is always easier to walk away from a relationship than from a marriage. Until the moment vows are exchanged, either party can still walk away.
Whatever informed your decision to go ahead with the wedding despite what God allowed you to witness must make you find the strength to find a solution.
And if truly he is legally married to another woman, irrespective of her age and the country it took place, your marriage is illegal; making nonsense of that thing you tried to prevent in the first place.
This is the reason you must confront your fears of what people, especially your family, would say about you before the situation in your home goes beyond what you can quietly manage on your own.
If he becomes violent refusing to say anything, go to his people with the evidence you have, including the bit about him being married to another woman.
Although chances are that his family members know one or two things about his business, telling them is only to incident the case with them in case the police catch up with him.
Your next bus-stop is your parents’ home. No matter how unpleasant this is going to be for you, please tell them. This is not just an ordinary marital issue. What you are talking about has criminal implications. Police may already be on his trail.
Do not wait until he is arrested before crying out, because by then nobody would believe you did not know of his business from the beginning before you accepted his marriage proposal.
People would naturally assume you married him for the money, and when you really think about it, meeting and marrying him within three months compromises you in all these.
He is into drugs and fraud. These are not just local crimes but international crimes the world is fighting to stop. It is way beyond your league.
It is the responsibility of your parents to decide if they want you to continue in this marriage or pull you out now that the issue has not become full blown.
I lack the right to advise you to stay or quit. It is the decision of you and your family.
But remember: This case has gone beyond sentiments. You got yourself into this because you were blinded by emotions. Do not make that mistake again.
Good luck.