Dear Agatha,
I am a Christian and leader in my church. I am married and have always been faithful to my wife.
However, things in my home have taken a different turn since I met a very sweet and adoring lady who I have come to love so much. She is single, working and pretty. She likes me as a person and has made it clear she doesn’t want to have anything to do with a married man.
The truth is, I am unable to find happiness and joy at home anymore, no matter what my wife does to make me happy. This lady is aware of her effect on me and my marriage and has since kept her distance. Yet, I am unable to get her out of my thoughts. I have done all in my power to try to forget her. I prayed, fasted and have discussed this with my wife, yet I couldn’t get over it.
My wife and I prayed about it, yet no change. I only wish I could get a divorce and get what I want, but she has said she is not interested, because she wouldn’t want to break another woman’s home.
I want to forget her, yet she is all I can think of. Life, to me, seems cruel because one cannot get what he wants because of fear of incurring the wrath of God and the society, and more importantly hurting my wife of 18 years and our four kids who I may not be able to explain my actions to. I am just plainly confused. What do I do to get over this?
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
The first thing is to accept the fact that what you feel is perfectly normal for most men who have been married for sometime. After 18 years, you are pleasantly surprised that another woman finds you interesting and irresistible. Before now, you probably were under the impression that your life was boring; following a particular pattern and that you have grown unattractive for any woman to take interest in.
Finding out that this lady not only has interest in you but also would have married you, had you been divorced or widowed, is so exciting to you that you have completely forgotten your responsibilities to your family. You are in your itching years; the period when men seem to get tired of living a routine life and crave for the excitement through something new. This is what middle age status does. You may not have realised it until now, but deep within you, you were unconsciously looking for an escape route from the boredom you think your marriage has become.
No amount of prayers can get this woman off your chest and thoughts if you don’t on your own appreciate your feelings for what they are. What you feel is a blend of excitement, infatuation, lust as well as pride at your ability to still attract the interest of a younger woman. Being ashamed of what you feel for this lady would make the problem remain a stubborn one to bury.
It is a good thing you have told your wife about it, since it would afford you the opportunity of discussing your marriage, her person as well as her feelings. It is obvious your marriage has become very stable and in need of some major surgical operation to make it appear new and exciting.
This is the time for open honesty on your part as well as your wife’s. For you to be so affected by this lady, there are things you want from her as well as do to her that you are not getting from your wife or can’t do with her.
Don’t be ashamed to share your thoughts and fantasies with your wife. Being a Christian shouldn’t stop you from having an active and exciting love life with your wife. If you probe your feelings deeper, you will realise from your feelings for this strange woman what is missing in your marriage.
In addition to perhaps a boring sex life is also the appearance of your wife. How do you want her to look; the appearance that will touch you in that special place this woman is touching you? Trust me, there are issues in marriage that prayers can never resolve. Prayers can’t stop you from having sexual feelings or finding another woman exciting. This is nature; the only thing that can resolve it is that you you face reality and confront the problem with practical solutions like making your wife as pretty as the attraction outside your home.
The devil here is not that woman, but your feelings that is questing for some excitement. Insist your wife improves on her dress sense, shift from being a mother of four children to a wife and woman interested in keeping the attention of her husband.
Let her know that you are more important than the children she has made her entire life; that you remain her first baby and that, like her children, you are thirsty for attention. It is her duty to help you overcome this temptation this other woman has become in your marriage.
The danger of what you feel is, if nothing is done by her to help you, you could actually get the divorce before considering the consequences. So, sit her down and tear up some of those rules that have made your marriage boring. Create a time for both of you to be alone as man and wife; to recreate some of those early moments in your relationship.
This will help upgrade your marriage and provide you with more room to expand. Don’t be ashamed to say what you want; there is nowhere in the Bible where sex and excitement between husband and wife is tagged “sin”. God knew the power, influence and place of sex; hence his insistence it should be done within marriage.
Forget about all the forbidden rules and face the truth concerning you, teachings and wants. Until you are able to get the kind of feelings in your marriage, the opium this woman has become will never go away. She will continue to torment your thoughts as well as marriage.
Treat your marriage like a living thing. If you and your woman fail to drag it away from the stage it is in now, you would end up crippling it completely. A marriage is like a baby. There are stages it must pass through for it to work well. If a child who should be walking is still crawling, his parents would immediately begin the search for cure; so also, is a marriage. The cure of any marital problem is to keep the marriage alive by making it dynamic.
One other thing you can do to help your wife get into the act is for you two to go away on holidays; just the two of you. You both need the time to reconnect as a couple and not as parents.
For 18 years, you have systematically forgotten what it is like to be a couple, living in the mould of parents, worrying about school fees, house rents, child discipline and care. When last did you two have a discussion that didn’t revolve round the welfare of the children? What was the last time you complimented each other on your looks or really enjoyed sex the way you both should? Better still, as the man, when last did you really derive tremendous pleasure from being with your wife, have creative and recreational sex and not the routine kind of thing?
Your prayer point is not to bind this lady, but for God to give you the peace and grace to make your marriage what it should be. The only limitations is your imagination because there is nothing you want from that woman you cannot get from your wife, if only you are willing to use your imagination to get your wife to cooperate with you.
There is no age barrier to sexual pleasure, good and happy home. Once you find contentment and excitement in the woman you have at home, the thoughts of this lady would vanish from your mind. The truth is, she has nothing to offer you but problems in your home and life.
Do yourself a world of good by helping your woman become your mistress as well as your wife. There is a lot of excitement for the man who has his wife as his mistress. Don’t allow that ego stop you from doing what you have to do.
Good luck.