Dear Agatha
I am in my early 20s. I love my fiance very much. We enjoyed a great sex life until we had a misunderstanding that led to our separating temporarily.
We later came back and to my worry, our sex life has become practically non-existent. I no longer appear to have interest in it again. Sometimes I try to pretend nothing is wrong for his sake, but simply cannot find that former excitement.
Expectedly, it is causing issues between my boyfriend and I. He keeps warning me not to drive him away. Do you think there is something wrong with me?
Please help me. I do not want to lose him.
Milli
Dear Milli
Surely, there must be more to a relationship than a good sex. When a relationship is premised entirely on how great the sex an unmarried couple enjoy, then a lot of things are wrong between them.
Just like you are experiencing, once the sex is taken out of it, nothing would be left of the relationship.
It appears you and your partner have gotten to the peak of your physical satisfaction of each other’s body. Unless you both develop new interests in each other, find out other reasons you want to be together. There might be no saving this relationship.
Even though you are yet to admit it, your subconscious is already asking questions you are afraid to ask yourself in the open. Your time apart has given birth to whatever fears you are brewing deep inside you.
The fact that your body is unable to generate the kind of interest you once had in sex means both of you should sit down to discuss the future of this relationship. You should first unravel the reason you both got together.
Is it just to have sex or to build an enduring and workable relationship? Besides the discovery of premium sex, what again have you two got going for each other?
From where I stand, there appears to be nothing holding the two of you together and this is why your relationship is empty now that the great sex is no longer there.
You see, both of you have overrated sex to the exclusion of every other thing that makes a relationship an all-inclusive thing.
Your worry about losing him is already belated because the foundation of sex you both premised your relationship on is now very shaky.
Unless both of you redefine and reinvent it, your relationship, as it is presently, is as good as ended.
As he said, he would simply move on to find someone with better sex qualities than yours. Sad, but the truth is, what you have only built with your boyfriend is what I call “sexlationship” and not relationship.
He can easily do this because there is nothing to compel him to stay with you. What you both have in common can be best served by another woman easily.
This is what becomes of a relationship based solely on the pleasures of the body.
Its value diminishes each time you both have sex, whereas if the relationship was founded on enduring values sex then becomes an accompaniment to a good foundation.
Even though you are yet to accept it, your time away from him helped your body and mind to realise that there is more to a relationship than great sex.
This is why your body is refusing to yield to his touch and pressure. Your mind is refusing to cooperate because it has realised that you will only get hurt at the end of the day.
Therefore, for both of you to move this relationship out of this drum into which you have both holed it, both of you have to sit down to discuss your reasons for being together and what you both intend to do with your affair.
I categorise it as an affair because it is only your bodies which are involved in this game.
A relationship happens when a man and woman want to know what one can offer the other outside the bedroom.
Beyond sex, what would this man miss about you when you are gone out of his life?
Would he remember your exceptional qualities as a person? Would he miss your patience? And your tolerance, that inner beauty that makes a man want to spend the rest of his life with a particular woman?
If he is already threatening you to your face that he would find another woman to warm his bed as a result of your inability to satisfy his huge libido, do you think he has any use for you beyond your body?
You only lose what you have. Honestly, you cannot lose a relationship that hasn’t offered you anything better than sex. You cannot lose a man that does not know what it is like to love a woman for himself without having a knowledge of her.
You cannot weep over a relationship that has offered you no promises of a stable tomorrow.
Has it occurred to you that even if you manage to get by in your present arrangement and end up marrying, there is no guarantee that he would stay faithful to you if you have to live apart for a while, or due to health reasons you cannot be intimate with him for a while.
This is the time to put your relationship under the magnifier to enable you see clearly. Deep down, are you really satisfied with the way things are between both of you? In doing this, you have to be truthful enough with yourself on every count.
This isn’t time to be emotional or fearful of losing him. Rather be concerned for your happiness and tomorrow.
More than ever before you should know by now that good sex does not define a good relationship and that so much more goes into making a relationship successful.
One of the questions you should ask yourself at this very important point in your life is: Is this what you wanted from this relationship when you said yes to his proposal?
If your answer is negative, what were your expectations? Do you think this relationship has the potential of offering those things to you again?
Taking a retrospective look at the time you have been together, do you think he is capable of giving you the kind of happiness you deserve as a woman?
Another important question: Do you think he is capable of giving you the kind of support you need as a woman, wife, and mother?
The future of a woman can be made viable or miserable by the kind of man she ends up with. If she ends up with a man who only sees her as a sex provider and baby maker, you will end up depressed and wretched for your entire life.
The sex life of a woman is not as prolonged as that of the man; the reason a woman has to be extra careful about the kind of man she ends up with for the journey of life.
A woman needs a man who would be her friend, companion, cheer leader and lover all rolled into one. A man has to love everything about his woman to make her stay happy.
Sex is only a part of it. Besides, sex transforms into lovemaking when all the indices are right.
You are too young to be a sex slave to a man. Any man who wants you in his life must exercise the patience and understanding to meet with your inner person. He must be diligent in finding out everything that makes you who you are.
Such things do not happen when the basis for the relationship is only sex motivated.
Sit down to discuss with him only after you have done an examination of yourself and known what you want from life itself.
If this man cannot offer you guaranties on that tomorrow every young woman craves, do not short-change yourself. Take a walk and allow the man who would give your body respect and honour locate you.
Stop allowing yourself to be a sex slave to a man whose only interest in you appears to be the appeasement of his animalistic urges.
Surely, you are worth more than that. A man who respects his woman would never issue this kind of threat and ultimatum. He would take time out to find out what is bothering her.
Many blessings come veiled in disappointments. Yours could have been enveloped in the disagreement you had. Ask God for help.
Good luck.