By Ifedinma Onwugbufor
It is not the bruises on the body that hurt.
It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.
- Aisha Mirza
As the world experiences a period of total lockdown and self-isolation, people are affected in different ways. This will not be a good period for many people, especially where a form of abuse or other is already experienced. The most hit will be couples who compulsorily, are forced to spend most of their time together. For others, it is a time to bond – away from the hustle and bustle of everyday business lifestyle and hectic work life; while for others, this period may be characterized by extreme violence/abuse. The hardship, frustration, anxiety, and dearth associated with the lockdown will definitely worsen existing brewing scruples. What remains uncertain is how much the victims understand about their circumstances.
Under many arrangements or circumstances, abuse may be misconstrued. As the world battles the scourge of Covid-19, other accompanying disasters will include hunger and starvation, illnesses, and abuse; thereby, stemming more conflict areas for different relationships. Events happened so quickly that there is little time to sensitize people that: this is a time to be patient; a time to be empathetic; a time to exercise self-control; a time to be understanding; a time not to nag; a time to improvise; and a time to be optimistic.
Factual instances have exposed the reality of human relationships and associations during this period – some couples are already in conflict with one another, aggravated by the fact that no one enjoys the luxury of exhaling, as before. Social media records a maximal report of abuses between spouses, siblings, neighbours, law enforcement agents, etc. For associations that are already strained, a lockdown which keeps everyone in the same space, definitely breeds contempt, bickering and confrontations. However, abuse as has been variously perceived, is not gender-specific.
Understanding that the hiatus between the act of abusing and being abused remains slim. As has been understood, abuse comprises actions and inactions which individuals inflict repeatedly on others, intentionally with the purpose of causing trauma.
The popular ‘silent treatment’ practiced by many individuals, especially couples is one of the commonest forms of abuse. Do you know that? Rolling up one’s sleeves during an argument also, constitutes abuse. Now, are you aware that the most common abuse is emotional abuse?
Usually difficult to detect because it is mostly enveloped in other forms of abuse, emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse. Emotional abuse refers to a repeated attitude or communication which is meant to embarrass, harass, and debase the victim on a regular basis. Emotional abuse is sometimes referred to as mental abuse or psychological abuse. This form of abuse causes trauma on the victim, who may begin to suffer one of the following: fear, depression, low self-esteem, etc.
Emotional abuse is undeniably the lethal form of abuse. This is due to its attendant consequences; mostly leading to suicide resulting from depression as the ultimate result. It will shock you to realize that most of the traditional communication which are accepted by the society as normal, actually is emotional abuse. Many still struggle to grapple with the fact that slut-shaming is emotional abuse – surprise? Yes, even body shaming is emotional abuse. Individuals who easily call out others as ‘prostitutes’, ‘gigolos’, ‘thief’, ‘ritualist’, etc. especially where there is absolutely no proof that the people so addressed deserve it, are guilty of emotional abuse. You are an abuser whenever you throw such words at people under the condition already mentioned.
What makes these ‘normal communication’ abusive is the fact that such unkind statements are spewed repeatedly to denigrate, disgrace, insult, humiliate or segregate without verity. It is the reason why victims of emotional abuse are treated to condescending comments communicated through looks or body language, apart from speech.
Are you aware that consistent criticisms, threats, aspersions, teasing to belittle, and ignoring the sensibility or presence of the other, in all kinds of relationships (marriages, filial, dates, workplace, school, etc.), are forms of emotional abuse? That boasting/threatening of leaving a relationship or marriage, denying the other of companionship, sex, money, attention, or making unnecessary demands intentionally, are classified as emotional abuse?
Would you be shocked if you were told that females are guiltier of emotional abuse than men? Emotional abuse is an easier option by which females gain control over circumstances. This is usually attributed to her physical weakness, and the acceptance of this. The confidence which the female gender attributes to prolixity affirms the reason why she employs emotional abuse to attain power/authority. Meanwhile, the male gender employs physical abuse to gain control over the female gender.
Often, people who suffer emotional abuse are not aware. This is the reason offending/abusive partners who leave their matrimonial homes without threat to life, are always persuaded by their innocent partners over and over again. At work, emotional abuse occurs when baseless name-calling happens, such as ‘incompetency’, ‘redundancy’, ‘clueless’, ‘not aware’, etc., especially where there are no specific reasons or tangible confirmations to back this up. Teachers in primary or/and post-primary school usually get away with comments on the pupil’s notebook like, ‘You are a fool’, ‘empty head’, ‘rascal’, ‘brat’, etc.
It is usually difficult to ascertain emotional abuse due to its occurrence. This form of abuse is automatically identified as soon as it becomes a recurring incident. It will surprise many to know that harassment especially, in public constitutes emotional abuse. The fundamental characteristic of most forms of abuse is that they all carry some emotional weight. Therefore, a victim who suffers sexual, physical, financial, etc. abuse, mostly suffers the emotional part more than any other consequence.
The inhuman conditions under which domestic helps survive comes with loads of emotional abuse. Being screamed at, or ignored consistently disrobes one of self-esteem and self-value, much more than other feelings he or she may experience. This is why emotional abuse is deemed a more injurious form of abuse. Emotional abuse places the abuser in the position to patronize the victim with disparaging expressions. And it will shock one to know that revealing secrets, sighing, shaking the head, hissing, or giving ‘the eye’ for no substantial reasons, are the different ways by which emotional abuse is perpetrated by abusers. One of the most common emotional abuses is laughing at people after they stroll past.
Monitoring someone’s movement is a tool of emotional abuse. Swooping on cellphones, stalking people’s online appearances on social media, insisting on knowing someone’s income or fighting to have knowledge of someone’s financial worth especially when the other finds it inappropriate or offensive; and always, ensuring to tutor the other to accept one’s point of view, are all instruments by which emotional abuse is inflicted. The difference between emotional abuse and other forms of abuse is determined by the frequency.
However, of emotional abuses, Joyce Rachelle accentuates thus: “Some scars don’t hurt. Some scars are numb. Some scars rid you of the capacity to feel anything ever again.”
Ifedimma Onwugbufor is a lecturer, social critic, and the author of seven books.