By Tina Kanu
Communication is one of the essential ingredients that helps make marriage a success. It is an indispensable asset every couple, both young and old, should build their marriage on.
Communication lines must be kept open no matter the circumstances. This adds tremendous value to the health of the relationship.
Communication reviews how each partner feels about an action or situation to make it possible for the couple to build a happy marriage together.
Conversation must be well balanced. People say the greatest obstacle in marriage is the inability to communicate, but I think the greatest problem is the inability to communicate well.
Proper communication adds value to marital union, not just talking.
However, proper communication is not always easy as it involves hard work, sensitivity, patience, and great love.
Sometimes it seems burdensome but it is a task that must be properly accomplished for a successful marriage. Communication the proper way yields great results but when it fails, the outcome is always unpleasant.
When there is a gap in communication marriage runs into trouble. When it fails altogether, marriage may be ruined totally.
But what is communication in marriage?
The purpose is for the couple to express their feelings openly and freely to help resolve matters and draw them closer to each other.
Good communication has four major principles – talking, listening, understanding, and timing.
When you apply these principles, your marriage will experience a drastic transformation.
The number one principle is talking.
The art of communication does not mean being an excessive talker. It is talking and listening. Talking for the sake of talking is not good communication. Some people talk too much, some talk too little, others talk with little or no meaning.
The inability to talk with a point and purpose causes problem. Talking with a point and purpose is an essential ingredient for effective communication.
Resentment is one of the greatest enemies that draws a couple back from talking to each other purposefully or reasonably.
Bottled up resentment kills marriage, so a couple should try talk through their differences.
A couple must forgive each other’s wrongdoing. They should iron out their differences and work out lasting solution rather than turn away when problem arises.
Discuss in love as Ephesians 4:5 tells us to speak the truth in love. To speak means willingness to talk things over rather than withdrawing into silence.
Many married couples don’t talk enough, rather they indulge in a guessing game to know what the other person is thinking. They do not share their feelings with their partners.
Others, especially women, wait for their husband to lead the communication to avoid being seen as a nagging wife.
Many couples feel unimportant and rejected when their partners fail to talk to them regularly. We must know that when we put the interest of the spouse first, it brings more pleasure to us.
For couples to initiate good and purposeful conversation they must learn to ask questions.
Questions are part of a good marriage relationship, but we must be conscious of the type of questions we ask.
The purpose of starting a conversation with a question is to encourage the other person to tell you how he/she feels about an issue, topic, event or idea.
You can start with a question like: how are you feeling? and then move to the type of questions I call enrichment programme designed by a counsellor to help couples get to the point.
Questions like
How do you think we can enrich our lives?
Are there ways you think I ought to adopt to become a better spouse to you?
Do you feel threatened when we disagree or when I make decisions you don’t like?
Do I have habits that offend you?
Do I fulfil your sexual needs?
Is there anything in our marriage that is contrary to what the Bible teaches?
Is there anything that I did in the past that still causes resentment to build up in you?
While doing this, be cautious not to force things.
Conversation may be while taking a walk or sitting together on a couch, et cetera.
Look at your partner when he/she is talking to you. You may need to look at a person when you are the one doing the talking or when they are speaking to you.
Your partner might use ‘I don’t know’ to response to some questions. Don’t be discouraged, go on with the matter gently with words like: let’s think out loud about it together.
Speaking the truth is another good ingredient in good communication. If couples must have good communication, then they must be committed to speaking the truth in all things.
Both partners have the right to talk about issues of concern to them and expect a listening ear. Sometimes spouses are prevented from being open and honest for fear of hurting their partner.
Speaking the truth may not always hurt, and communication can only be effective on the lines of truth only.
When you lie to avoid unpleasantness, are you doing it for your spouse or only concerned about yourself?
You may hide the truth with lies in the beginning but in the long run, it will cause more unpleasantness.
Yet caution must be applied in speaking the truth. Truth must be expressed in love. You don’t need to tear someone apart verbally in sharing the truth.
Being honest and telling the truth is not all that is required in good marriage communication but sharing the truth in love is what makes the difference. Truth without love tears us apart.
None of us has the right to be abusive in sharing the truth, so blaming, accusing and name-calling are all unScriptural ways of sharing the truth.
To speak the truth in love is to avoid the use of inappropriate words.
Proverbs 18:21 talks about the power of words, that death and life lie in the power of the tongue.
Proverbs 29:20 says there is more hope for a fool than he that is hasty with his words. We must concentrate only on words that are positive and useful in marriage.
The tone in which we speak is equally important in communication. Some people hear a tone that contradicts the meaning of a word, so what is important is not what you say but your tone of voice.
Number two principle in communication: listening. Which does not always come naturally to us as most people prefer to talk.
Because of this, people focus more on getting their words heard instead of paying attention to what the other person is saying.
Good listening has to be learnt. Most of us were taught to express ourselves in the right words but not taught to listen.
We must identify things that prevent us from listening.
One of the hindrances to good listening is being on the defensive. The first thing we do when our partner brings up an issue is to try prove that we are not at fault.
We try so hard to show that we are not to blame. So we do everything possible to counter his/her comment.
Another hindrance to good listening is self-centeredness. Some people are more satisfied with talking than listening. Some spouses are more interested in themselves than they are in their partners.
Developing a more sincere love for your spouse will help you become a better listener.
Understanding is another principle of communication. Every husband and wife should make effort to understand their partner just as much as they do in seeking to be understood. If they do this, there would be less problem in marriage.
Timing is also vital in good communication. When you want to communicate something important to your partner, choose your time wisely.
We must know the right time to approach our spouse with certain issues.
As Christians, we must learn to ask for God’s guidance in all that we do.
The Bible says in Ecclesiastics 3:1-7 that there is time for everything under heaven. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent and pray.
Amazing things happen in our relationship when we pray because it is the ultimate love language. It communicates in ways we cannot fathom as humans.
Talking to God about concerns before presenting them to our partner helps smash barriers to good communication and makes our relationship run smoothly.
In Esther chapters 4 and 5, Esther prayed and sought God’s timing before communicating an important issue to her husband.
She knew that a lot was at stake so she did not just rush in and scream at him, or complain about how his evil friends wanted to destroy her and her people.
Esther prayed first and then ministered to her husband in love before presenting her case while God prepared his heart.
It is always better to communicate issues to God and allow Him speak to our partner Himself.
When we allow God’s wisdom to guide us in our relationship, God opens a communication channel that can transform our marriage.
Shalom.