Dear Agatha,
My wedding will take place this year, and I’m a month pregnant already. Last weekend, I went to my fiance’s house only to find him making love with another woman right inside his living room.
I was too shocked to say or do anything that I remained rooted to the spot at the door. He was kind enough to be remorseful and beg me while the girl quickly put on her clothes and left. She too was all apologies.
He hasn’t stopped begging since then. He even told my mother to beg me; that he cannot explain what came over him.
The truth is, much as I love him, nothing would ever make me trust him again. I thought I knew him well enough to marry me; and that he was different from all the other men I had known before I met him three years ago at a friend’s birthday party.
I feel pains because the promises he made never to look at another woman let alone sleep with one are just empty. I don’t know how to proceed with him now that I found him with this flaw.
Please help me because I am having second thought about getting married to him and keeping his baby. I’m also thinking of getting rid of this pregnancy.
I’m 32 while my boyfriend is 37.
Annie.
Dear Annie,
There is no such thing as perfect being. We all come with defects from the manufacturer’s table; so to expect any person to be perfect is asking for the impossible.
Yes, what he did was very wrong, a betrayal of your trust and pending vows, but it isn’t always the best reason for any woman to call off her relationship on the basis of what you witnessed, unless it has become something of a habit with the man. I say this because men are prone to having affairs on the side. If you, on account of what you witnessed, call off the relationship and wedding; what assurances do you have that the next man that comes into your life will be faithful and stay perfect for you? Would you also call off that wedding or marriage if you find out that he has flaws in his character that you cannot deal with? How many relationships would you call off in your quest for the perfect man?
At 32, you are not getting younger. Every second that passes by makes you older than you started with in the morning. Every day we spend on earth is a march towards our transition. No doubt, he has offended you. Rather than find out why he did it, you are investing too much time on issues that are not so important.
With what you have said, it appears that you may be the real challenge in this relationship. Frankly, your standards will be very difficult for any man, even an angel, to cope with. Every man needs a woman who has a warm heart, personality and who knows how to enjoy life despite all the flaws of life. Look at the diamond, despite its brilliance and worth, it never comes in perfect shape. Its imperfection gives this precious stone its uniqueness and strength. If we were all perfect, we won’t need God in our lives because we would be like him. God is the only perfection we need to be perfect.
This incident may just be your awakening call to x-ray your character and attitude. A man can live with a perfect woman for some few minutes, but not a lifetime. You have to come down to the level of mere mortals to survive in our imperfect world. The danger of wanting your perfect world is that you will never be able to appreciate the value in others or experiences the different facets of life. Our world has different hues which no artist has been able or will ever be able to capture. But they all combine well to give it the strength of its beauty.
This is what you should be looking for in your man; the strength of his character, his uniqueness, the things that make him different from the rest of the men you have dated. He will never be perfect, but he can be perfect for you if you look beyond the issues you are currently bothering yourself with.
The danger of insisting on perfection is, when you also need understanding with your inherent flaws, nobody would give it to you.
Condemn him for being so careless and disrespectful of your love for him, but never ask for the impossible from him. Given what you witnessed, you have every right to be apprehensive; a reason you should sit him down for assurances on how much he loves you as well as a discussion on the future of your relationship. Let him assure you that it will never happen again. Beyond that, there is really nothing he can do to undo that which he has done. It is only when he hesitates to do it, picks a fight with you that you should worry.
Every step of marriage is laced with forgiveness and understanding. There is no way you can appreciate a person without first understanding the true essence of who that person is. Pure understanding gives birth to forgiveness.
It is also what gives love the special power to overcome terrible situations like you witnessed in the living room of your boyfriend.
The fact that you are even contemplating hurting that innocent child growing inside of you doesn’t tell a good story about your person. From where I sit, if you aren’t careful, you risk ruining your life and marriage by yourself. Begin to divest certain things you take so seriously, so that you can be happy in life.
Being wife and mother require a certain sense of humour and relaxation to make the job enjoyable else, you may become too overbearing and a monster to those who should love you.
There is no demanding perfection from a child whose curious mind wants to explore, love and get approval for a job well done even that job is breaking one’s most valuable vase.
A crawling child isn’t bothered about dirt, but about the fun of playing in the sand or hitting the remote control on the hard surface. To the baby, it is all in the spirit of play and discovering their world which an imperfect mother would understand, but a perfect one would condemn and apply strict sanctions.
Give yourself a reason to live. Marriage is a journey of many temperaments, adjustments and sacrifices. It is journey of many ups and downs; of falling and rising, of broken hearts and smiles. If your heart is too perfect, you may not survive it. It requires a heart that is flexible; that can get hurt, broken, bleed, squeezed, swell and heal all at once. It has to be imperfect to fit into all the modes required of it.
Sit down and ask yourself if you can grow such heart in place of the one you have now as it is the only way for you to be always be happy.
Also be mindful you don’t have too much of time because at 32, your biological clock is ticking away. Go to God to ask for his help in sharing your life and space with another human being. This is very important because you will soon be a mother, even if you don’t want to be a wife.
Learn to forgive and forget. Once you are able to do that, you will know what to do about your wedding day. This is important; life is about forgiveness and forgetting an error.
Good luck.