Beyond all these, put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity – Col 3:14
People don’t just bond, it comes as a result of sharing close contact with the other person, conversing frequently, sharing your innermost thoughts, fears and joy with that person.
Via this process of bonding, trust and affection is created. Bonding should be continuous; couples should not allow familiarity to set in.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other.
No matter how much time they spend together with candles, romantic dinners or expensive trips together, the connection will not be there when one or both are closed and protected.
Both partners need to be open to learning; learning new ways to connect. Then they will be emotionally available to each other and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word.
Bonding has to do with the energy between them, not with anything external like candles; and the energy comes from their intent.
A controlling intent creates a heavy, dark, hard, closed-hearted energy, while the open-to-learning intent creates a light, soft, open-hearted energy.
The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving, because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear (for those who want loving due to the fear of rejection).
We learned these protective behaviors when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviours, such as anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance.
For most people, these protective, controlling behaviours have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in.
In relationships, the fear of rejection and engulfment – of losing the other or losing ourselves – generally underlies our protective behaviour.
Being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice, and developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process.
The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish.
Then candles, vacations, and lingerie can enhance their experience with each other – that is the icing on the cake.