We were friends for more than one year before we started dating. We dated for four years and were never intimate because I told him from the beginning I was not interested in that aspect of our relationship. I am part of his education; I paid his school fees and many other things. I did this because I have no intention of marrying an uneducated man. You can therefore imagine my pains when he told me he could not marry me: that I lack a good character and that we’re not compatible.
I really love him because he has a good character and comes from a good family. I certainly hoped to have my children in that kind of home and live the rest of my life there because it was what I have always wanted. Even when we quarrel, he always come back to beg me to stay.
The real problem started recently when I asked him to take me to his parents. He refused on the grounds that it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know any of his friends or family members, but because of the love I have for him, I didn’t mind; I patiently waited for him to graduate.
After pleading with him on many occasions for me to meet with his parents, I finally managed to get his mother’s number on his phone and later called his mother to explain everything to her. She assured me of settling the matter between two of us when he comes back from the village and pleaded with me not to leave her son. His mother has been begging him on phone to reconcile with me. I am in my final year in school, but it doesn’t matter; I can wait for him as long as it is what I want.
I want a home where I will be able to achieve my aim in life, not just getting married for marrying sake. I don’t want to have problems with my marriage in future, such that will be make me consider getting a divorce. This is why despite the many suitors coming my way, I prefer him. He is the kind of man I want in my life, and no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in future, I love him enough to weather the storm with him.
Now the issue is, aside his mother telling me to exercise patience, I don’t know what to do. I want him in life and my mother is aware of him and our challenges. She advised me to patiently wait for him. I have been praying God to touch his heart while also begging him. Please I need your advice because I don’t want to make mistake in life.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
There is no challenge or issue patience cannot subdue. Endurance is priceless and a strong tool in avoiding regrets in relationships. Besides, there is no relationship without certain amount of sacrifices. The higher the sacrifice the better the result. If his mother is pleading with you to be patient, listen to her because she knows her son more than anyone else. She has said she doesn’t want either of you to regret any decision made in haste; this flows from what she knows that you don’t know. Most men are not equipped with this attribute. Any woman who wants to enjoy her marriage must be able, through patience, to manage her man well. And one of the tools a wise woman uses is respect.
Good enough, your man in his letter said you have everything he wants in a woman, which means it is not your person that is the problem in this relationship. This is why his mother says you should not be in a hurry to quit for whatever reason. There are four categories of men out there: those that want a woman and go for her, those that avoid the woman they don’t want and those that say one thing but are in fact thinking of the opposite what they are saying, as well as those that simply don’t know what they want.
In your boyfriend’s case, he appears for now not to know what he wants. Like most men his age, he wants the freedom to explore a little, wants to enjoy the full benefit of his age before he settles. This is why he keeps urging you to settle for one of the many suitors coming your way. He isn’t thinking too much of tomorrow because he is scared of contemplating the challenges that go with getting serious with a woman. He isn’t the first man to develop cold feet at the prospect of getting serious with a woman, neither would he be the last. He needs assurances from you that he isn’t about to make a costly mistake.
Another thing that could be responsible for his attitude may not be unconnected with the role you played in his education. The fact that you paid his fees as well as provided for his needs is more than enough to get him. The clear message of your action is that you are capable of taking care of your needs, hence may not need a man. I know that isn’t your intention, but a lot of men can be intimidated by such a woman. This is why you have to be careful. It doesn’t appear to him that you are demanding marriage as a form of payback for the help you rendered him. Allowing him to make up his mind would help both of you in future to be truly happy. You have to give him the space to see you as his woman, desire you sufficiently to want to spend the rest of his life with you without doubts. The moment the doubts linger, he would always wonder if he got married to you as a form of gratitude or from a desire to do so. The danger of him getting married to you with this kind of nagging feelings on his mind is the lack of respect and devotion you deserve from him.
The other angle is fear. How is he going to control and perhaps exercise authority over the woman who trained him? The onus is on you to assure him that you will never take advantage of the help you freely offered him; that you will not make reference to it when you have disagreement or act it when you are angry with him. Some women just don’t know when to apply the brakes on their temper when angry. They are always quick to remind not just the man of their contribution to his life but also to anybody who cares to listen. While he may not tell you outright all these as his real reasons, you must, if you are serious about being with him forever, initiate dialogue along that line.
It is also important that you dispel any misgiving that you may be desperate to marry him at all costs. Don’t make your conversation sound like blame-trading; rather, let him understand that it comes from a deep desire to source for long-lasting solutions to the challenge both of you are having.
To achieve positive results, listen more to him and be prepared to make more sacrifices, if the need arises, for the sake of keeping your relationship on track. While assuring him of your love, make it clear that you are ready, even if you will be hurt of your willingness to respect whatever decision he comes up with at the end of the day. This is to communicate your desire for him to be happy to him.
As a woman, your first duty is to ensure the man in your life is happy and comfortable with you as a woman. It makes other difficult aspects of two strangers coming together to make a life easier to fashion. He must know that you have the ability as well as stamina, irrespective of human failures, to help him confront his worst nightmares in life, especially as it affects the uncertainly of tomorrow.
Therefore, don’t, for whatever reason, refuse to talk to him. There is always huge benefits in keeping the line of communication open between two friends. Once both of you get into the habit of communicating as friends, a lot of these issues plaguing your relationship would become things of the past. It would make it easier for both of you to focus strength on the right areas while letting go of those aspects of your relationship that are not important.
Good luck.