Balablu’s speech to Nigerians: A satirical ramble
By Phrank Shaibu
Fellow Nigerians,
I must confess, I never planned on addressing you today. However, thanks to persistent nudges from Atiku Abubakar and Peter Obi, here I am. Why can’t they just wait for their turn? They’ve been bothering me as if I personally organized this protest.
Didn’t you get my message from Senate President Akpabio? I clearly instructed him to let you know that if you want to protest, go ahead—but remember, we’ll be here, enjoying a fine selection of wines. If Akpabio’s message didn’t reach you, what about the one from Fayose? Didn’t he explain that Nigeria’s hunger problems are due to having too many children?
To clear up any confusion: the protest was organized by Atiku and his buddy Peter Obi. They cleverly used the Igbos to start the protest, while sending the northerners to the streets and advising the Igbos to stay out, all to keep me guessing. But, surprise! The ‘Oro’ high chiefs told me everything.
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Tinubu and the balablu of errors
As for those who tragically lost their lives—didn’t I send Wike to warn you? How is that my problem now?
Now, let’s go through your list of demands, shall we? It’s quite the collection:
1. Revert petrol price to N100/litre – Are we going back to the 1990s?
2. Combat insecurity and hunger – Isn’t that what prayers are meant for?
3. Close all IDP camps and resettle campers – Oh, sure, let’s play musical chairs with homes.
4. Total electoral reform – On the electoral reforms: We will do all that and make shutting down of the server for results collation on Election Day as part of the reforms
5. Independent probe into the electoral budget of N355 billion – You mean the money we’ve already spent?
6. Immediate release of ENDSARS protesters – Maybe they’re enjoying their accommodations?
7. Implementation of living wage (minimum wage of N300k) – That’s fantasy economics at its best.
8. Compulsory free education from primary to secondary school – And who’s paying for that, Santa Claus?
9. Children of public office holders must attend public schools – I guess we’ll all wear matching uniforms then?
10. Government must patronize made-in-Nigeria goods – Get ready for the latest Nigerian-made fashion!
11. Transition to unicameral legislation – One house, one big happy family.
12. Judicial and constitutional review – Because every good system needs constant rewrites.
Having thoroughly reviewed your list, I trust you now see the impracticality of these demands. I have important matters to attend to, like sampling the latest 60-year-old whiskey one of my ministers brought for me. So, let’s not waste any more time on these unrealistic requests.